They’re Coming to Take Me Away
This story is about a girl who not only embraced her crazy she wore it
like a badge for everyone to see.
The title of this chapter of my life is
actually the name of a song I played all the time as a young child. It was one
of many 45 records my biological father gave me that I would play on my Fisher Price
record player. I thought this one was funny. The song goes like this in the
beginning…
…” They’re
coming to take me away hee hee ho ho ha ha to the funny farm where life is beautiful
and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats,
theyre coming to take me away”…
Most of
the records my dad gave me had at least one song on each side but the
particularly cool thing about that record was that on the other side it was the
same song but it played backwards.
I
actually ended up spending a lot of time in lockdown units. Yes, nut houses. I’m
not going to get into detail about what happened (I may get to that another
time) I will just say that I was super emotional and really confused at that
age. In the first chapter I refer to the bat that I took from those who were
abusing me and chose to beat myself up with it…. Well this was the time (before
reliance on drugs and alcohol showed up to numb my pain) I had no escape from
the pain. I could not see a way out, I felt desperate and hopeless. I really
thought checking out was the only option.
My first
experience at a nuthouse was a private hospital named JBI (Jackson Brook
Institute). I was in 9th grade and was not scared of much ( I was a
city girl back then). It was a lockdown facility which meant that we were not
allowed to leave the unit (all the doors and windows were shut and locked). I
do not remember walking into the nuthouse so I cannot relay how I felt at first.
When you walk onto the unit you are first walking around nurses station (a desk
behind plexi glass with nurses and other staff to supervise us. The nurses
station was facing the OLA (Open Living Area) which was where we spent most of
our time, then there was a long hallway with the patients rooms that held about
3 people in each. We left the unit as a group for meals in the cafeteria which
was on another floor. I vaguely remember a classroom we had to walk outside to
get to but after the shock wore off and I once again began to act out with very
self descructive behavior I ended up on 24/7 supervision and got so bad they
didn’t let me go to the bathroom unless someone was with me. Tutoring was out
of the question at that point. I recently found a bunch of diaries I was
writing in while in different nuthouses since writing was the only thing that
calmed me down. I need to vent even if it is through my writing or drawings.
From what I read I was clearly more than a little bit angry at my mother who I
blamed everything on, did not want to be there but some friendships I had made
meant a lot to me. I can’t even remember what any of them look like but felt so
strong then I thought we would be friends for life. I was looking at things
like it was us “crazies” against them. I was not embarrassed to be diagnoses
and medicated. I felt relief knowing there were things I could do to ease the
pain of life at least just a bit.
Which reminds
me of another song I loved but got in trouble for singing in the nuthouse (also
not supposed to call it a nuthouse) LOL …. I remember being told this song was inappropriate
at the facility. Goes like this…
I’m a
little chestnut brown sitting on the cold cold ground,
People always
step on me,
That’s
why I’m so cracked you see.
Im a nut tsk
tsk I’m a nut tsk tsk
I thought
that one was hilarious but staff at JBI … not so much. I have all kinds of
stories of those facilities throughout my life, I must have been admitted at
least 20 times. I am sure there will be more stories but I’m going to fast
forward from age 15 right up to age 27. Between my first visit to JBI and my
last visit to Westwood Lodge there were a lot of hospitals and dual diagnosis lockdown
units. I would go to lockdown units on purpose, would tell nurses in ER that I
was an addict with mental problems and that I was suicidal so I would have to
stay, since anytime I was in ER I thought/hoped it would be my bottom and I
could just get off the streets for good. (this is when I was homeless for about
a year in Brockton City of Champs…lol). I went to lockdowns hoping that when I got
food and sleep and felt better I wouldn’t just go back on the run and would go
to long term treatment instead. But even though I would get myself locked up so
I would get help, I would con my way out of hospital and stipulation for
further treatment and get back to my hustle as soon as I could. Westwood lodge
is a facility I had been to before. The psychiatrist (the one who decides when
you can leave) knew me and had been very reluctant to let me go a few weeks
before this particular incident. This time he said I had no choice. He got me a
bed at a place called “The Tranquility Inn” which is a women’s only 30 day program/holding
for other treatment programs. I heard its for girls on probation or if you get
sectioned by family or a judge that you need treatment for safety reasons
whether you like it or not. But I had agreed to this!!! I remember asking
someone on my unit the eve of my potential transfer to Tranquility Inn if there
was barbed wire on the fences there and I was told yes. So the only way out
would have to be escape and I’m not super agile and not about to tussle with
barbed wire. We had smoke breaks at certain times all day and our last one was
every night at 10:30PM I think. We went right out a side door of our unit which
led to a 12’ high fenced in area with a basketball hoop and picnic tables.
After hearing about the barbed wire I checked out my current surroundings.
There was no barbed wire, it was not too high for me and I could time my ride
coming (I was in the middle of nowhere) to get me. So I called JRodd who was
famous for always picking up the phone for me and coming to pick me up whether
I was in a bad situation or felt trapped and just needed to run. So it was all
set the night before Tranquility Inn. I would be discharging myself at the last
cigarette break that day.
The staff
working that night was a guy named Bill. Honestly a nice guy who I never had a
problem with. I got my cigarette last since I made one last call to be sure JRodd
was ready for me to come out. I lit my cigarette and just stood on the steps
looking at the fence. “I got this”.
And that
was it!!!! I ran for the fence and started climbing as fast as I could! I could
see JRodd’s car 20 yards away. Just as I was getting toward the top of the
fence Bill started yelling at me and saying “Jessica, what are you doing?” in
that split moment I decided to mess with his head and started yelling to him… :”What
are you doing Bill???? What are YOU doing?” That stopped him for a sec, then he
says “You have no where to go they are going to catch you before you get across
the parking lot” it was right then that JRodd pulled up onto the grass and the
passenger door flew open! We took off. It was two weeks later I was apprehended
by state police due to being listed as a Missing Person and they sent me back
to a nuthouse.
I am
trying to come up with a lesson to be learned from that experience and honestly
I am at a loss. It was a little crazy and a little fun. I also avoided the Tranquility
Inn completely! And if I had thought of it sooner I would have put it on my
bucket list just for fun.
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